Comics, love and life

Slowing Down

THE BACKSTORY: I experienced an overwhelming depression after Ember’s birth, feeling overwhelmed by the enormity of the responsibility for a human being’s life: an especially vulnerable, small life, that seemed hard for me to understand at the time.  Much of my time during those first four months were spent throwing myself into work and neglecting both Blue and Marco in different ways.  I grew emotionally distant from both of them and hardly tried to spark or respond to conversation.  I would take on responsibility for Ember at the behest of my partners when they asked for it, but I was shirking responsibilities out of anxiety and a sense of entitlement that because I was working so much, that should be my partners’ responsibility.

All the while, I was increasingly ignoring the needs of my partners.  Marco’s and Blue’s desires for companionship were being cast aside and my sexual relationship with Blue was becoming increasingly more selfish as I took what I wanted and didn’t reciprocate or communicate with Blue on what she wanted, especially as she was going through the vulnerable healing process both in body and psyche.  Blue gave me a wake-up call, one I desperately needed.  My own negligence was slowly but surely deteriorating the morale of the house and throwing my partners’ trust for me as partner and co-parent out the window.

I went to counseling a little after that, and it certainly helped to open up about my internal struggles and the wealth of emotions and doubts I wasn’t communicating with my partners.  And I’m still struggling in different ways to be totally open about my thoughts and feelings.  Sometimes we have to take space from our loved ones to see the bigger picture of our relationships, realize how we’ve taken others for granted and damaged our own lives in the process.  In doing that, we can redraw a map leading to new destinations and take new journeys, in the meantime, coming together in ways we hadn’t previously.

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