Comics, love and life

Dear Wondering…

“I am in my early twenties and really inexperienced with relationships, but I happen to be with a guy at the moment. I am not sure if I am in love and I think I might also be bisexual. I am curious about dating other people and dating women, but my boyfriend wants to be monogamous. I am not sure what to do because he is really nice and I enjoy his company, but I am wondering what else is out there…”

Dear Wondering,

First of all, my heart goes out to you! I was very sure of my interest in women at an early age, I even lost my virginity to a girl; however, I too have dabbled in staying with a guy who is not interested in non monogamy in my early twenties, despite being pretty sure that monogamy was not right for me and longing for deeper relationships with other people (especially not dudes). I want to reassure you that this is pretty common, being pretty out about my queerness and non monogamy means that I’ve heard a lot of women saying almost what you’ve written to us (from a range of ages, 19 to 44 at least). I wouldn’t say I regretted the times I compromised what I wanted in my deeper heart for someone I wanted to explore a connection with, but I would deifnitely not make that choice ever again.

I would encourage you to go your own pace, but also to consider pushing yourself. Exploring new ways of having relationships (with different genders of people, non monogamously, etc.) can be a painful journey, but it has a lot of rewards. Most growth is a little painful, but then there’s new parts of you to love and nourish. The best part of exploring what you want is finding answers. And the more you explore, the more you are likely to find what is meaningful for you and to be able to define yourself. You may find that you are totally gay, you may find that you’re asexual, you may find that you are queer this decade and straight the next (as in, your identity may change over time). The most important thing is that you know your identity is yours to claim and explore. I would also ask, if you are inexperienced in relationships and not-so-hot or lovey-dovey for this dude, what have you got to lose by changing your relationship to a friendship and setting sail on your next journey? Do you think he loves you? If he does, changing your relationship may be painful for him, but his love for you might also mean he will be glad that you’re finding answers for yourself about your life.

I think it might be time for you to move from wondering to WANDERING!

All the best,

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